The Sake Cup
by Senyor Fier Mensheir
Summary: AU. Naruto is taken in by a drunk old man with a sake addiction. Naruto grows up with his fair share of adventures starting even before he becomes a shinobi. Watch as he lives his life, and grows with the guidance of his guardian and some misfits.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. But I do own the old drunk guy.

The Sake Cup

Prologue/Chapter 1

An odd old pair of legs traveled along a forgotten dirt path somewhere within the deeper regions of Fire Country. Not caring about the dangers that lurked beyond the flora at his sides. Walking slowly, within the blissful embrace of his beloved, he took step after unbelievable step towards an unknown destination. Travelling along the road that fate and destiny had originally set out for him, uncaring to the whims of time and memory. Wherever this dirt path should lead him, he did not know, what ever awaits him at the end of this one travel he did not care, all that mattered was that he got there, wherever his destination may be. With sake cup in one hand, and sake bottle in the other, he travelled tipsily onwards, onwards towards his destiny.

As the blazing sun above the treetops reached its zenith at noon time, the old wanderer, decided to stop and rest. He sat down and leaned on the nearest tree he could find. A giant of a redwood, as out of place as it may have been, it was there, standing tall, proud, and strong, protecting all within, around, and in its reach. As he laid his back against the old sage, his body stiffened and stilled. The air around him thickened. He felt a pressure about him. The forest stilled, silent, no sound was heard for miles around. Then he suddenly heard a whisper, the whisper of the wind.

The wind whispered into his tired ears about a cave near him that contained innumerable wealth, a cave with countless eons worth of wonders. There was a cave near to his location, its entrance a gaping monstrous hole on the side of a hidden mountain, the mountain hidden under an ancient illusion, the mountain unseen by normal eyes, as the message unheard by normal ears.

After a few hours of resting beneath the canopy of the giant redwood, hours after sound returned to the forest, hours upon hours of drinking sake from his bottomless cup and bottle, he, the wanderer stood from his sitting position, and continued his journey to wherever once more. Drunkenly swaying from side to side, constantly avoiding the various dangerous creatures that reside in the forest. The Gods of Luck truly watching over the apparently drunken wanderer.

Eventually the wanderer stood in front of the monstrous opening in the side of the whispered mountain. He heard the whisper of the wind once again. Beckoning him to walk into the abyss, walk into the depths of the unknown, Fate, Destiny, Time, Luck, and the Heavens laughing at his misfortune. The whisper along with a seducing sound was the smell of an age old thing, this thing being hidden deep within the darkness. While Fate and Destiny, wrote the path, Time left him alone, and Luck kept him alive. As it now stood, all four laughed at his apparent misfortune.

Walking into the darkness, the wanderer noticed the extreme lack of light, but there was a deafening noise inside the cave, reverberating throughout the space. There was movement but the wanderer failed to notice. With the total lack of caution, with the darkness swallowing him whole, with everything that he had let happen to him, he could not predict, much less prevent what was about to happen.

"**Come closer, closer, closer. Long have I waited for another to come, long have I waited for another foolish enough to step forth and keep me company even for a while," **said a voice within the darkness.

The wanderer stops on his tracks at hearing this new voice. He noticed a hint of mischief in the voice. He slowly closes his eyes, puts his sake bottle away. With sake cup in hand, filled to the brim with the wondrous liquid itself, he took a sip then calmly hid away his cup. Suddenly, as a flash of lightning briefly illuminated the cave his eyes violently flew open, with fire burning in his inhuman orbs he stared at the giant of a creature before him, for a few moment both gazes met, one of an unnaturally bizarre old mad, and one of a giant beast of legend.

In a booming voice he spoke, "You ancient fool! Giving such power to one undeserving! When will justice be served! When will you receive your justice! When will you, former king of hell, return to the regular flow of time! When will you do as the Gods commanded you! When will you pass on! How do you propose to ever reclaim your throne if you can never prove your worth, your innocent against the Heavens! The Gods forsake you! They brought me here, and if you shall not finally act," pausing momentarily, he brings out his sake cup, and swiftly hurls it at the beast, while declaring his intent, "DIE!"

Once the cup made contact the fight had begun the giant beast with its tails waving in the background rose to its full height, fangs bared, and claws brought forth ready to rend flesh, and crush bone.

"**Those mortals can fight amongst themselves. There are more demons and devils in this world than in Hell. I need not return to there. I have planted the seeds for mass death and destruction. ****None may surpass me!" **The beast exclaimed as it dodged a number of slashes and a stream of blue fire.

"That human whom you granted such powers has transcended past your expectations! He is even greater than you! His legacy lives on! He is still feared! Unlike you! Nearly forgotten with time! Pathetic!" The wanderer spoke in his booming voice, just as a swipe of the beast's claws sailed harmlessly above his head.

"**Impossible! You lie!**" The beast screamed, as its dragons of fire and acid flew around the cave in numerous attempts at harming the beast's opponent.

"I lie not!" the wanderer spoke as he dodged the dragons, and various other things that were allowed to fly around the cave trying to hit him, and failing miserably. He continued speaking, "The idiot with the white eyes that you granted an insignificant amount of your power was a power to be reckoned with when he was still part of the time line. But to this day, several decades after his time in the spotlight he is still remembered, revered, and feared. UNILKE YOU!"

As the numerous whirlwinds, tornadoes, rocks, boulders, dragons, spikes, bones, blood, and all sorts of things flew around the cave, the roof of which having been blown sometime during the fight. Claws, paws, and fangs, swiping, clawing, biting, as well as punches flying, legs kicking, head butts, and a number of other movements. After long hours, probably even days, the battle continued. The beast and the old wanderer never letting up, never tiring continued their fight, no end in immediate sight.

The battle between the two would have lasted for years if it had not been for the unexpected arrival of a mere man. A man whose identity at the time was unknown. At his arrival, within the span of less than a second the man's hands flew through a hundred seals while ink flew forwards towards the figure of the giant beast, not paying the wanderer any attention. He released his hidden power upon the seal. His seal of chaos, he had weakened the beast and caused it to finally do that which he wished. Chaos and destruction. He had unleashed finally upon the world nine powers of hell. This one act leading to a dark future for the world.

As the wanderer watched such an event transpire, he did not interfere. This event was supposed to take place in a way anyway. The unknown man had made his job easier. If only he could lead the beast in a direction that would lead in the destruction and more or less annihilation of the man that had been granted that insignificant amount of power by the former king of hell. The balance in the world would be restored one way or another. The beasts and its kind were not meant to roam this plane of existence. The plane of humans was not meant to be a permanent residence of some beings that were meant to reside and continue to perform their duties and responsibilities in another plane of existence. Angels and demons were not meant to spend their whole existences away from their own planes of existence, away from their own worlds. One way or another it would happen, the sooner the better. The sooner it would be accomplished, the sooner the old man could get back to his wanderings and his drinking. Good sake can only be appreciated when there is nothing wrong in the one's immediate universe.

_This is going to be one long adventure. Oh joy. Great Gods above and below. I want you to know that I never really wanted to fix your mistakes. Can't I drink my sake in peace? _The wanderer thought in an attempt to communicate his thoughts with the four who so loved to play with his life. He finally regretted pranking Fate, Destiny, Time, and Luck. _Stupid flea bag._

The great beast lumbered as if in a drunken state, now and then sending its claws flying in whichever direction it please. It then started to jog, then walk, then run, this way and that way, it went here and there, no distinct path in its whirring mind filled with chaos. Struck with an idea the pursuing wanderer conjured up some sake cups and bottles, empty bottles, and with all his strength hurled them one at a time at the face of the beast, while at the same time running in the direction of where he knew the descendents of the foul creation of the beast resided in. Throw a cup or bottle, then run a mile or two, rest for a few seconds, take a sip of sake, then repeat. Once the duo of drunkards, or rather the human of the pair, sighted a village in the distance, the drunk one on alcohol took off at breakneck speeds hurling the heavier empty bottles at the beast along the way trying to lead the beast away from the direction of the village and more towards the direction to the fouled byproducts. But alas, not all things go as planned, an example being that the local militia protecting the village from bandits just so happened to spot the beast. They had the civilians evacuate, while the militia assembled their forces and marched valiantly and bravely to their impending doom. A previously unknown aspect of the seal on the great beast then activated at the sight of the mortals with their blades and spears at the ready, the aspect being total rage and unyielding bloodlust towards all that opposed it. The old drunk not fitting that category due to his being annoying and irritating, well as irritating and annoying as a drunk throwing cups and bottles at a giant beast can be.

The drunk upon seeing that his efforts had no effect on the beast decided to just hang upside down from the nearest tree branch take out a newly refilled bottle of ambrosia-like sake, pour himself some of it, take some sips from his special cup, relax, attempt to get drunk again, and watch the massacre of epic proportions, then once that is done return to harassing the giant beast once more.

Once the two opposing forces met somewhere along the straight line leading to one another, the great beast struck, a small earthquake was formed, the splitting of the ground swallowing fifty out of the one hundred something armed men, out of thin air a large wave smashed into the remaining resistance. The sword and spear bearing men were not even given the chance to attack before they were all killed in two moves by the great beast. Once it consciously as well as subconsciously realized that the ants that were at its feet were no longer a part of the land of the living it started to look around unconsciously searching for the irritating insect that threw things at its face earlier in its trip to no where in particular. After several hours of unsuccessful searching, the great beast ,not having realized that the old drunk had blissfully fallen asleep on a branch close to one of its massive tails, wandered away in the opposite direction of where the old drunk had planned on leading it.

As the drunk slept, the great beast, after travelling a long ways away from the sleeping pest, came upon another village or rather a city. Well the city was still somewhat in the distance, but the beast saw it anyway. Somewhere near its paws was a team of shinobi on their way home from a mission, in his fear one of the more junior members panicked at the sudden arrival of the towering monstrosity hurled everything he had in his weapons pouch, from kunai to katanas (how in the world they all fit in a tiny pouch will remain a mystery to him, even in death). The feeling of being scratched somewhere near to his more sensitive areas he giant beast gave of the most earsplitting roar it could, and in one giant leap it was upon the unsuspecting city. Apparently having a lax security, especially during the celebration of the founding of a city near a great big body of water, is a bad thing, especially when dealing with a monstrous beast that could wipe out said city with just a wave of one of its massive tails. The city unprepared for an attack by such a large creature was destroyed faster than the last village, wherein the last village wasn't destroyed at all but the militia was. So if taking out the last village was never done, the total destruction and annihilation of the aforementioned city took as long as it took for a tsunami no wreak havoc with its outer defenses, aka its walls, and make short work of the buildings and panicking populace any and all civilians that actually managed to escape the water, but unfortunately ran in the direction of the beast were made into finger food for the great big thing that was destroying their city. Any other survivors that were lucky enough to escape the beast would soon be telling tall tales starring the giant monstrosity to anyone who would lend an ear to a babbling fool.

Once its gargantuan stomach was filled, and its bloodlust satiated it searched its surroundings once more for the drunk, which at that exact same time was running towards it in an attempt to lure it back towards the chakra using part of the globe.

_Why the heck did the damn thing have to run across an ocean!!!_ was the most prominent thought flying through the old man's mind as he flew across an ocean in search of the gigantic flea bag.

Back with the beast. After randomly deciding to head back in the direction from where it came, and after leaping gracefully over the pursuing old pest, as well as after several days of leaping and massacring and destroying a number of villages and lives it accidentally came upon a hidden cove in somewhere out in the ocean but still slightly close to land. Well to the beast it was a cove. Right smack dab in the center of it was a whirlpool, said whirlpool made the beast go crazy after hours of staring at the massive thing. The whirlpool actually resembled all its tails being curled up around its body, and like its body being at the center of it all there was a city at the center of the whirlpool. Not as big as the city it last decimated, destroyed, demolished, etc., but it was big enough to be considered as a city. But there was one thing that separated this city from the past human settlements that the thing had encountered. The people were armed, and they were prepared. Like the first village they had swords and spears, like the one frightened ninja the soldiers had all sorts of weapons, like the other city it had walls, but unlike all those it had attacked in the past, killed in the past, minus the ninja that it didn't notice, these people knew how to fight, they knew how to fight with all their being, they knew how to use chakra.

The sky had grown eerily dark above the battleground as the old man finally arrived. He arrived to witness a great spectacle. A battle the likes of which he had witnessed only once before. Even the four gods, stopped their meddling to stare at the sight. Fire, Lightning, Water, Wind, Earth, all the main elements of the worlds were being used. Not a bit of anything wasted by each of the combatants, when one of the men saw darkness never to see the light of day again, another ten would retaliate dealing heavy blows to the beast. For every wound the beast received fifteen to twenty men would fall to its use of the elements or to its fangs and claws. The sky as dark as night even thought it was day everywhere else, the waters of the land surrounded by the whirlpool had turned from as blue as the heaven to burning crimson as the blood that mixed with it. The survival of the hidden country was on the line, and its people would not go out without a fight. As the gods and a drunk as their witness, they would do battle with their all. They would only rest once their life was spent or the beast defeated. They might have had a chance at surviving if the gods that mattered had not been staring shocked at the scene before their immortal eyes. They might have had a chance if the drunk had decided to interfere. But no the gods were busy gaping, and the old man was busy watching as thunder and lightning clashed with fire, water, and wind. Hundred died in that one battle, a battle which lasted for more that a day, but only for less than a week. Just as the last warrior fell, the wounds of the beast had already stopped healing, all its wounds had already disappeared. As the beast looked around, its bloodlust once more satiated, it finally found what it was looking for. All the chaos in its wise and ancient mind parted giving way to one train of thought, and one train of thought alone, _**I'm gonna kill that damnable pest once and for all!!!**_

And so continued the game of cat and mouse between the wandering old drunk and the drunk on chaos ancient and giant beast. Every few miles a conjured sake cup or sake bottle (complete with sake) was thrown at the face of the beast, and the beast in its irritation filled rage would try and run faster or try and leap farther. After avoiding a number of human settlements the duo was finally back on track after a year or two of running around. Finally the duo was back in Hi no Kuni where they belonged. As well as closer to their goals than originally planned. One old man had more or less successfully led the great beast to the rat infested shit hole known to others as Konohagakure no Sato, and the beast was nipping at the heels of the old wanderer.

In a sudden burst of speed, just as the beast's massive maw was about to envelope the old man's body, the old man flew over the tree tops headed straight and right into the walls of the Hidden Village. He was quickly made aware of his surroundings, and would later wake up in a white room, with a splitting headache and would find himself sake less as well as giant monster less.

The giant beast truly was finally out of luck, due to the village having been briefed on the appearance and possible attack of a giant tailed beast resembling a red rabbit with nine gorgeous tails protruding from its rear end. The shinobi team that the beast failed to find and eradicate was surprisingly from this Hidden Village. The most powerful Shinobi Village against the most powerful of the Bijuu, add two Kuchiyose no Jutsu, and one Shiki Fuin, and you get one sealed kitsune. Of course one should not fail to add into the equation a number of dead shinobi, one self-sacrificing Kage, one newly created Jinchuuriki, and one drunk, well the outcome is obvious. **The story of Uzumaki Naruto begins!** or at least it should…


	2. Chapter 2

One sunny day in the heart of Hi no Kuni, in the arms of one shinobi, was the sleeping form of the "demon" as it was now widely known. The shinobi was on his way to the place where he would be meeting up with his closest of friends which had all lost a loved one to the monstrosity which to them had taken on the form of a little innocent baby. Once they would meet up they would quickly dispose of the "demon" and all evidence that would ultimately tie them to their crime against demon kind.

At that same moment one old man was also quickly rushing atop the roofs of the great village. Having earlier heard of a demon being disposed off, he wanted to see if some ordinary people could do what an entire country had tried and failed to do. So with his trusty sake cup and one sake bottle filled to the brim he rushed of in search of the ignorant mortals who were planning or dealing a deathblow against a god-like thingy. Plus he was still looking for his missing kitsune, which had failed at eradicating the taint in the world that it, itself had created. Those creatures practically patrolled the streets, their faces filled with arrogance, picking up random criminals (those that would not be missed) off the streets that had next to no chance of seeing the light of day again.

As both neared the clearing in which the dirty deed was to be committed, the baby in the arms of the shinobi began to stir. As the infant opened his cerulean colored eyes an ear splitting wail filled the air. Obviously the child was hungry. To the shinobi, it was as if the "demon" was preparing an attack and the wail was a roar. But to the old man it was the cry of a child that was in immediate need of attention, being the caring soul that he was he rushed to the site of where the murder was to take place. And as nine kunai were about to be plunged into the infant, he struck. Lightning fast strikes shattered all the kunai, the shattering of sake bottles upon impact on the heads of shinobi and kunoichi alike sent those nine into unconsciousness. Picking up the child as gently as he could, he took the child to the only food providing place he could afford to buy food from. The Ichiraku Ramen stand owned by Ichiraku Teuchi. Teuchi had some spare bottles of milk in his stand, just in case his cute little girl craved some, lucky for the old drunk. After waking up in an unfamiliar place, and after stealthily leaving, he chanced upon Teuchi who had lost his wife in the battle to some stray jutsu. After some bottles of sake the two men became fast friends. Apparently not all the deaths on that fateful night were caused by the kitsune.

As the old drunk took a seat, Teuchi noticed the bundle in his arms. "Yours?" the chef asked.

"Nope, found 'im bawling 'is eyes out in some clearing. 'Is caretakers must 'a gotten drunk or something to try and feed a kid kunai instead of milk. By the way, you got any?" the old drunk asked.

"Sure do" the chef answers as he tosses a milk bottle at the old drunk.

Catching the bottle the old drunk thanks the chef and orders a steaming bowl of ramen, seeing as he himself felt a bit famished.

Once the infant was satisfied with his meal, was burped, and had his diapers changed, the old drunk left the kid on the table of the stand and left just as a troubled looking Sandaime Hokage entered. Spotting the infant on the counter, Sarutobi demands to know where the chef found the child. Immediately the chef stutters out a response, one that starred an old drunk bringing the baby in. After asking who the child was, the chef learned that the child's name was Uzumaki Naruto. He had to remember to tell his sake loving friend that little tidbit next time their lives crossed paths.

A few days after this incident, the old drunk discovered the wonders of a ninjutsu-genjutsu hybrid version of Henge, using this wondrous gift to man, he religiously used it everyday as he entered the hot springs. His only problem being that since most of the time that he went to take a look see he smelled of alcohol, the women usually stayed away from him, and due to some drunken mutterings he had to change how he looked every now and then. And when he did forget to use the hybrid jutsu as he entered, he was never touched by the pervert hating women of the baths due to a bunch of factors.

Shortly after meeting Teuchi and deciding to stay in Konoha, the old drunk bought a moderately sized house using a considerably small portion from his hidden stash of treasures. It being hidden away, in wherever it was that he hid his sake. His moderately sized, to him, home was located somewhere near the Hyuuga compound. It was relatively one fourth the size of the Hyuuga compound, which was more like a district than a compound, and was not purely house. It was one big lot. The grounds consisted of one huge garden, complete with koi pond, waterfall, and assortment of little critters. The garden itself filled with a number of plants, from weeds to trees and flowers, some of which would make a Yamanaka green with envy. The house itself was simple, by his standards. It had a total of six floors, three above ground and three below. The lowest basement was used mainly for storage of an assortment of things, from screws to stuffed toys and a few dead bodies. The basement above that was used as a surprisingly a potion's lab, used for making various poisons, antidotes, medicines and the like, this particular basement was rarely used. The basement above the last one was mainly used as both an armory and as a forge, the heat emanating from the forge being hotter than the sun, that is, while it was being used, but like the other basement it was rarely visited. The first official floor of the house consisted of one bathroom, one kitchen, one living room, and one game room. The bathroom was of simple design by any standards, having a tub, a toilet, a sink and a cabinet. The kitchen being simple as well, by the old drunk's standards. The living room consisted of a couch, a television, a radio, and about two cabinets. The game room, well, it was a game room, with games, and a heavily sealed portal to heaven and hell. The second floor consisted of one bathroom of the same design as the first floor's bathroom. The second floor also had one library filled to the brim with books and scrolls. The second floors also had two bedrooms, which contained one bed, one closet, one cabinet, one desk, and one chair each. The third and last floor consisted of the attic as well as the master bedroom. Half the room filled with cabinets full of either sake cups and saucers, or sake bottles, both with and without sake in them. The room floor also had two beds, two desks, a couple of foldable chairs, cabinets, and chests, and some other things that should be found a typical bedroom. The house itself was colored a pale orange. The roof was colored dull brown. The entire lot was boxed in with nine foot tall walls, and with so many protective seals, and miscellaneous seals, that it would be very difficult even for the Kyuubi no Yoko to get in and trash the place. Finally to get into the lot, there were two openings, one hidden backdoor which could be located somewhere in the third basement, which was connected to a heavily sealed and protected passageway in the sewer system of Konoha, which was also connected to an underground lake, while the above ground entrance was located where most gates are located, the side facing the street. The walls of the lot were painted a pale pink that at certain times of the day would flash between pale pink and bright neon pink with glaring orange stripes for ten minutes.

To keep himself busy the old drunk found himself some additional hobbies to drinking sake. One was writing, he created his own book series, which was not surprisingly not at well known as the Icha Icha series. He also had, with his own publishing company, his own manga series, which was rater "For Adults Only" due to the excessive drinking depicted in the first issue. He also owned a small restaurant and bar that were frequented by the shinobi population due to the number of dangerous pointy objects that occasionally found themselves flying overhead. He also opened and owned a mini-department store, which sold ninja gear, as well as everyday clothes. And last but not least he ran around every morning delivering mail and milk to the citizens of Konohagakure no Sato.

Exactly one month after the his encounter with one Uzumaki Naruto, the old drunk once again found himself carrying the child in his arms while feeding him at the Ramen stand while eating miso ramen. This time around the people that abducted the infant Uzumaki were civilians, their supposed method of murder, was through burning. Quite idiotic really, if the Kyuubi was the King of Hell, and kind of have an automatic affinity with fire, how in the world would a little bonfire burn the beast. This time around, the old drunk swiftly, after hearing the wailing of a hungry child, rushed to said child's side while in his alcohol aided rush accidentally bumped each and everyone of the villagers into the bonfire, which shocked them into unconsciousness as well as their bodies being used to smother the flames which they were going to use to kill a kid.

As the old drunk left the ramen stand, just like the first time Sarutobi entered the stand. And just like the first time he demanded to know how Naruto came to be lying down asleep on the table of the ramen stand. And like last time Teuchi jus relayed what his drunken friend had told him.

The day after this second incident, as the old drunk woke up out of nowhere a rolled up scroll landed on his head knocking him unconscious. But when he woke three hours later without a headache, he noticed the scroll. So he carefully unrolled it and read the contents.

_To the old man with a sake addiction,_

_We, the four gods who have yet to pay you back, would like to inform you that for the next four months you should be prepared for the inevitability that incidents like the one today will be happening regularly, no longer will they be a once a month thing. So be prepared. And if anything, and we mean__ anything__ happens to that child, or if your life becomes boring, we will have you join that crazy fox in its prison for one full year. Go it? Good._

_Sincerely,_

_Fate, Destiny, Time, and Luck_

After reading and rereading the letter for more than three or four times, the old drunk got out of bed took a shower, dressed, went down to the kitchen, ate a bit of cereal, drank one whole bottle of sake straight, went down to the third basement and took out some just-in-case baby things, and prepared for the next four months of taking care of a baby. He had now become the unofficial babysitter of one Uzumaki Naruto.

For the next four months, the old drunk would go running around the village every day or so and go Naruto hunting, not to kill him, but to either feed him, burp him, play with him, or change his diapers, all the while preventing his untimely death from occurring. As the days wore on he grew accustomed to taking care of the little brat, as well as having him around. Fortunately or unfortunately no one save for Teuchi and Ayame were the only ones who, asides from Naruto, knew who exactly it was that was taking care of Naruto and his would be assassins.

During the first year of his life Naruto was exposed to many dangers, most of which would have killed him if it wasn't for the occasional ANBU or the always willing interventions done by one old drunk. For the last four months of his first year of life Naruto had gone through an average of two assassination attempts per day, each attempt being thwarted by his sake addicted guardian drunk. One such incident was when some villagers pooled their resources and hired five nuke-nin to kill Naruto, at midnight on a Thursday. The unlucky nin infiltrated Naruto's foster home. Entered his room and just as they unsheathed their blades, the old drunk struck with deadly ferocity and at such speeds that would make the fastest of Kumo-nin jealous. Each strike made with such precision that if he were holding a scalpel he could have cut bone without cutting anything else. Five precise, accurate, and powerful blows to each of their respective solar plexuses, dealing instant death to each of the unlucky nins. Naruto was awake and witnessed the whole thing. The nuke-nins' heads were efficiently loped off with clean cuts made by a ninjato, and were sealed in storage scrolls with notes attached, each saying to place the bounties for each into an account for Naruto's use in the future. Apparently each nuke-nin was worth around 20,000 Ryo. In one night Naruto had gained 100,000 Ryo.

Another shady dealing with nuke-nin happened at around three in the afternoon on a Tuesday, in one of Konoha's many training fields. The old drunk had just rescued Naruto from a bunch of vengeful villagers when suddenly on his way to the ramen stand they were ambushed by ten Iwa nuke-nin. One old drunk who really smelled of a helluva lot of sake that afternoon versus ten B-rank nuke-nin, the nuke-nin thought they were gonna earn some easy money. How wrong they were. Ten against one, what could one old man possibly do to ten shinobi in their prime? Normally nothing, but the old drunk is anything but normal. Quickly creating one of his hybrid or rather bastardized clones he handed Naruto over to it, then split into ten and engaged the ten all at the same time. It was like he used genjutsu on them, with each successful hit he would count out loud, each hit going from left to right. Each nuke-nin got at least five hits a piece. Even with their hardened exteriors, they were no match for the power behind each of the old man's punches and kicks. With each strike a crack would be heard, each crack signifying the breaking of a bone. After a few minutes the cracking sounds ceased, and all that remained were piles of unrecognizable flesh with their respective heads bagged and tagged, and the bounties to be sent to Naruto's bank account.

But not all the events centered on Naruto were bad. One in particular was downright annoying, the old man's first encounter with the green-spandexed-kind. The day was starting normally, one encounter with an assassin, one encounter with kidnappers, a few hundred laps around Konoha, evading the ANBU corps, and then **WHAM**. The old man ran smack dab into what seemed like a wall, a wall-like man wearing green spandex, whom after helping the old drunk to his feet showed him the nice guy pose after the old drunk apologized for bumping into him. The sunset backdrop with the waves and everything coupled with the shining teeth, the bowl cut hairdo, the caterpillar eyebrows, and that horrid green suit, sent the unflappable old man into the blissful confines of nothingness, only to be awakened moments later and greeted to the sight as well as the experience of one not so manly-more-like-bear-like-hug. While Maito Gai was ranting and lecturing about the "Springtime of Youth!" as well as the "Flames of Youth!" and how brightly they burn or shine or whatever, the old drunk saw an opening a chance to escape the horror that is Maito Gai. When he got the chance, he ran, ran like his very soul's existence depended on it. While running he passed by Hatake Kakashi and stole his orange book, ran back to the fashionably retarded beast of Konoha, smashed the porn onto his ranting face, and then dashed of towards a wailing Naruto who needed to be fed but was not in any regular danger. There was one problem with the running to where Naruto was, in his fright at the green wearing monstrosity he forgot that he had Naruto strapped to his back. Fortunately for Naruto, the old drunk nearly went deaf when he finally realized where Naruto was, and thought that Naruto was hopefully not mentally scarred for life, due to the actions and looks of one fashion retard of a shinobi.

After such an incident the old drunk had a second run in with Kakashi, unfortunately the young man remembered what the old man did to and with his beloved autographed book. And the chase was on, Naruto strapped to the back of one not so drunk on life old man being chased by one pissed of Jounin, and being surprise attacked by a nuke-nin or two every few roof tops or blocks. The nuke-nin, bounty hunters, and mercenaries, he could handle but the pissed of Jounin he could do nothing about. Kakashi was within his rights to get pissed. With a giggling mad Naruto strapped to his back the old man ran up and down the Hokage mountain, through the sewers, in and out of the training fields, spooked the hell out of the denizens of the Forest of Death, sent the entire Market district of Konoha into utter chaos, and still was unable to lose, much less temporarily shake the Jounin from his tail. With all his years of experience from his wanderings, he had never met such a challenge, and it was only morning. Neither of the two men hadn't had breakfast yet, while Naruto was busy enjoying his milk every now and then courtesy of the weird bushin of his that would be summoned every now and then. Running at breakneck speeds the two chased each other round and round Konoha. Then exactly at noon both parties arrived at the Ichiraku Ramen stand and both men ordered miso ramen, while Naruto was given some milk. A chaser and chase-e can't run forever on empty stomachs. After finishing their eating, both parties began anew, minus one Naruto of course. Sarutobi entered the stand just as they zoomed out of there. Eventually the old drunk was able to slip away and enter the confines of his safe haven, aka his home, finally succeeding in ditching Kakashi. After the chase Kakashi calmed down, placed his hand over his back pocket fished out a copy of his favorite book, then began to walk stealthily away while reading his beloved porn.

On the day that Naruto officially turned one year old, the old drunk decided to continue staying in the village, looking for a decrepit ancient demon could wait for another decade or two; the destruction of the Uchiha could wait a few more years. The death of that Madara fellow didn't need to be confirmed right away. Naruto seemed to be the more important thing in the universe at the time. In between his hobbies, running around, evading some taxes which he eventually paid, and taking care of Naruto, he was enjoying his life in Konohagakure no Sato.

His assessment of his first year of living in Konoha was that it was not a bad village to be in, if you were normal. Fortunately being abnormal in his case was not a bad thing, bad for Naruto, but not for him. He got to help a little kid live, be a babysitter, as well as a bodyguard, and a fugitive from the law, all at the same time. Sarutobi, in that whole year was not able to find out who was it that was helping in taking care of Naruto.

On October 10, the old drunk, took Naruto to his home for the first time, and once within the safety of his attic master bedroom, he had Naruto learn how to hold his liquor. From then on every now and then Naruto would learn to get used to, and eventually be immune to the effects of alcohol. The old man would then officially begin his influence on the little tyke. Naruto would then grow to become a young man immune to alcohol, the scorn of the villagers, and an ignorant fool all at the same time, well not quite all that, but kinda like that. His corruption would start early, the next first time experience he would be enduring in that day was peeping aka being perverted, with the help of some mind controlling jutsu and his weird henge hybrid, he along with Naruto, would infiltrate the women's side of the onsen and spy. A jutsu used by the old man as well as a few seals would aid in Naruto having a semi-photographic memory, which would in the future enable him to create bizarre jutsu. Yes, the concept of Oiroke no Jutsu was born when Naruto turned one! A not so surprising development when one has a weird-old-drunk-wanderer-with-nothing-to-do-really-parent-bodyguard-type-like-person who part time took care of him. Unfortunately the four bored gods had grown like Naruto, and so decided as their birthday gift to him they would include him in their little world of _chaos_.

**The curtain falls on Year One. ****And shall rise again after the first intermission for Year Two.**

**Ja**** Ne!**


	3. Chapter 3

October 11. A day that the entire Konohagakure no Sato would forever remember. A day in which even after the Kyuubi attack is forgotten will be remembered. A day in which the four gods themselves will wish to analyze and reanalyze over and over again due to the mysteriousness of the events that took place on that particular day. Uzumaki Naruto was one-year-old, and proud of it. Now that he was unofficially the surrogate son of the ancient being who loves sake more than his life, he had gained the favor of Luck. Unluckily for anyone else, excluding the drunk, that bit of luck would go a long way. If the rabbit in his gut had anything to say about it, the village was screwed. For one day the luck bestowed upon him by Luck itself would manifest, and in conjunction with the curse the rabbit held, well…the village would be lucky or unlucky, depending on one's belief, to survive.

There are many things that Konoha is, peaceful, quiet, normal (for a ninja village), had a cheery atmosphere, an all around good place to live. This was how it was seen by outsiders and residents as well. That is, until the old drunk accidentally left Naruto alone for the day. Naruto was placed in the care of another God, one who was not trying to exact revenge upon the old drunk, the God's name was: Chaos.

To describe Chaos to a mere mortal that has never seen this God in the mortal plane is a very surprising experience. Chaos herself is not what most would think of her to be. For one, she was four feet five inches tall. Other distinguishing characteristics to this God are that she has light blue hair, or rather more like the same color as Naruto's eyes. She had sakura pink eyes. Her skin was as pale as that of Orochimaru's. She apparently wore a chastity belt and a chain mail bra, underneath her BRIGHT ORANGE kimono. Her hair would and will continue to always be held in two ponytails. And last but not least, she had a mean right hook.

Naruto, a little bundle of joy, just starting out on his second year of life, being accompanied by one erratically cute girl, both loaded to the brim with stuff, were found early in the morning crawling and walking along Konoha's main thoroughfare. It was just after dawn, the sun had just risen over its peak, Naruto was wanting some milk, Chaos did not have any, the drunk's basement was inaccessible, the only option for the duo to find sustenance was to wander around town until they came across some milk.

Naruto crawling faster than a regular kid, after sensing a milk producer, went zoom, eventually slamming his little form into a cow like creature. With its massive, to the kid, horns and its bulky exterior, the thing must have had a lot of milk. Spying a dangling and dripping thing hanging from the thing, the kid thinking it was some sort of weird milk bottle, leapt at the thing jaws wide open baring his unusually fast growing temporary baby shark teeth. Fortunately or unfortunate whichever way one looks at it, the kid missed his mark and bit into the bull's tail, HARD! Slamming his jaws shut on the tail, as if held together by super glue, the kid with his crocodile like grip on the tail was turned into a kite's tail tied to a rampaging bull. For whatever reason that there were around twenty cattle in the vicinity, the point is that there were twenty cattle in the vicinity all being spurned into a raging bunch of cattle, with one having a dangling thing on its tail. With raging bull in the lead of the pack of rabid cows, the group rampaged their way towards a training ground used by some Tokubetsu Jounin. Today on this day of days it was being occupied by one Mitarashi Anko and one Morino Ibiki. They were going at it like mad cows in a stampede when they were suddenly and unexpectedly attacked by a bunch of mad cows in a stampede being led around by a rampaging bull with a kid for a tail extension. With the aid of years of experience the two Nins jumped high into the atmosphere, as high as their legs and chakra would take them, and as safe as they possibly could jump. Once they landed successfully on their own two feet the two spotted a crying kid sitting in the middle of the hoof filled flat field.

Naruto wanting to be fed literally bawled his eyes out. Shocked that such a thing could happen the two Tokubetsu Jounin panicked having never seen such a spectacle in their whole lives. But before there sanity was lost to the wind forever, Chaos came with a bottle of milk, chucked it into Naruto's wailing mouth, popped his eyes back in, picked him up, and walked away in the direction of the park. Thus leaving the two Jounin staring at the spot where the kid used to be, then they ran in separate directions.

Anko ran like a headless chicken, she was screaming her head off, laughing her guts out, flashing old people, young people, married people, Hyuuga, Uchiha, Yamanaka, Nara, Shiranui, and the like. Occasionally she would bump into a random civilian, scream profanities in his or her ear, then run off again. When she accidentally or intentionally or both bumped into the Hokage of all wrinkly old people, she bawled like a baby muttering about zombies, babies, demons dying, and sake. Twenty minutes later Anko would slowly stand up about face, and run again. Bumping into lamp posts, mail boxes, doors, cats, Inuzuka ninken, a bee hive, the drunk old man, and other such things. She would also later on in her life when she would finally be happily married, recall barreling into Kakashi, quickly forcing down his face mask exposing his devilishly handsome good looks, steal his first ever real French kiss, steal his orange book, rip it to pieces, knee him in his family jewels, rub her assets in his face, knee him harder in his family jewels, then swiftly as if the Shinigami were on her tail run of at the speed of light blasting off to places unknown to Naruto. Later on in the day she would slam into the wall like man Maito Gai, and unceremoniously faint. Just to wake up the next day in the room of said spandex wearing freak, only to see him wearing pink pajamas and pink bunny slippers. She would then proceed in fainting. Later on waking up in her own room in her own home with a green spandex suit in clutched in her left hand and a half empty sake bottle in her right hand.

Morino Ibiki on the other hand in his mad dash to what he thought would be a helpful direction for his mind ran straight into the worst person he could bump into, namely the drunk old man. Thus causing the old man to fall backwards, as if in slow motion the old man witnessed his spanking brand new extremely expensive favorite flavored sake bottle crash into the pavement, its extremely delicate exterior no match for the hardness and harshness of the ground. Being a bottle which he himself did not make, it was not unbreakable or really hard to chip, no, it was bought, bought from one of the most expensive alcohol selling places in all of Konoha. As it hit the pavement and shattered, spilling the gift of the gods that is sake, the old drunk cried out in a voice of pure and utter anguish, "NOOOOO!!!!"

In an attempt to save what was left of his precious sake he dove to the spot where it had shattered and spilled. Utilizing his bastardized Bushins, he picked up each and every piece of the broken bottle, collected each and every salvageable drop of sake he could find and placed them ceremoniously into his sake cup. Turning around and facing the downed, as well as shaken Ibiki, he drank the whole thing in one gulp, clearly making it a point to look like he was in a total world of bliss, thus giving Ibiki the chance to get away lest the old drunk seek retribution from his wallet. But as Luck would have it, Ibiki was only able to make one step, before he was ceremoniously cast into a world of illusions created by the old drunk and his unimaginably sake induced speed. Within a matter of a split millisecond he had gone through a flurry of seals, his Bushins quickly painted seals onto Ibiki's bald and scarred head.

Once successfully finding himself in the world of illusions, Ibiki was unable to comprehend why he suddenly felt like crying out and wanting his mommy. Floating before him, in the vast nothingness that was the old drunk's illusion, was the image of the Kyuubi, a bright pink Kyuubi, grinning from rabbit ear to rabbit ear, the ginormous kitsune started to glow in an almost too happy bright orange. It then began to grow, it began to blow up like a balloon every time it expanded its killing intent grew as well. But this time, unlike when the Kyuubi was attacking, the KI it was producing was directed solely on one lucky individual. The world of illusion would not allow its victim to die, but it would allow the victim to see a purple skinned figure run away in terror etched on its already frightening face at the sight of the balloon like kitsune. Ibiki also started to hear a voice whispering. Whispering words that he could barely understand, words like bottle, pay, regret, and cup. But the most notably repeated word out of all the things that he heard were the words, "my precious" and "my sake". The visions that permeated the air on the sides of the balloon were those of the events that led up to the climax which is the shattering of the bottle of newly bought sake.

The sake was bought in a Tea House, very expensive. Ibiki witnessed the old drunk caress the bottle lovingly, how he kissed the bottle, held the bottle, how he walked with the bottle, he also saw some weird things about the things that the old drunk wanted to do with the bottle. He witnessed how much the old man worshipped the bottle, as if the sake within was Kami itself. After some time watching the visions he began to feel what the bottle was feeling, he started to become the bottle. In the world of illusion he was slowly transforming into the bottle. When the transformation was complete, he was the bottle, or at least he looked like he was painted on the bottle. Then the visions began anew, he viewed them now as if he were part of them, he viewed the world just as the original bottle would have viewed the world. But this time, just as the climax hit, he shattered into more than a million pieces, out of his broken body poured out blood red sake and just as everything was about to settle on what would have been the floor the kitsune blimp burst. The KI it released was suffocating, but that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was that all the pieces of blown up kitsune were now in the form of rabbits, stuffed toy rabbits, each and every one chanting, "its all your fault". After what seemed like years the chanting ended with each and every rabbit transforming into sake cups and bottles but still retaining some bunny like qualities, then shattering into pieces just as Ibiki did. Along with the rabbits the rest of the world of illusion shattered.

Just as fast as it had begun, it ended. Within the blink of an eye the whole thing transpired. Ibiki was scarred even worse than ever before. Never before had he taken part in something so nightmarish. He'd rather face the wrath of pervert-hating women beating the living shit out of him, than endure that mental torture ever again. He did not only fear for his life, he feared for the life and continued existence of his deepest darkest secret: His pink rabbit plush toy named Dippy.

Quicker than a Sharingan enhanced eye could see, Ibiki got down on his hands and knees quivering and said, "Please forgive me! I will do anything. Anything! Just please don't do that again."

"Anything, you say?" questioned the old drunk.

"Yes, anything" answered Ibiki still on his hands and knees.

Sometime later in the morning around 11:59am, the old drunk could be seen walking with sake cup in one hand, sake bottle in the other, and Ibiki, in tears, trailing behind him carrying a crate full of 'the good stuff' lamenting his loss of cash and having only what would be necessary to survive for the rest of the day. Later on in the evening little Naruto would be treated to his first lesson in interrogation, taught to him by none other than Morino Ibiki, master of such an art.

At lunch time Naruto was at Ichiraku's, happily breast feeding from a mysteriously lactating cute girl in a kimono who was busily eating miso ramen and some fishcakes, also while conversing with Teuchi about the difference between ramen and other such noodles. By the end of lunch time, and just about before the Sandaime entered Ichiraku's, the duo left, leaving Teuchi the job of explaining to the Hokage, once again, that he had just missed Naruto again.

A few minutes after leaving Ichiraku, Chaos set Naruto down on the ground just outside the Ninja Academy. The she just walked away leaving Naruto, with a milk bottle strapped to his back, and a promise to pick him up after the classes were over.

Once he was alone, Naruto crawled into the academy, then stealthily crawled into one of the training grounds which had some students doing target practice exercise. He crawled on the ground even as many pointy and sharp and deadly things were flying and sometime falling overhead. Once he was close enough to the Academy teacher in charge of the practicing class, he pounced like a fox on the hunt, his prey, the Chuunin's foot. Luckily, for everyone within kunai and shuriken throwing distance, the man was holding a lot of kunai and shuriken, and with a great shout of "OUCH!" the metal objects were flung in every direction forcing the Academy students to leap, fly, duck, jump out of the way lest they get hit by the accidentally given flight projectiles. After flinging previously mentioned metal objects the Chuunin ran around the area like a mad rabbit, while trying and failing to free his foot from the painful jaws of the one-year-old kid.

Throughout the course of the afternoon the Academy was the subject of many a sore foot, many an injury caused by various accidents, as well as Chuunins being forced to be taken to Ibiki for psychological testing. The chuunins were subjected to various saliva induced illusions. Apparently someone was having fun toying with the kid's bodily functions.

After being picked up at the end of school for the day, and heading back to the ramen stand for dinner, the parents would be forced to listen to, to them, tall tales concerning a little tyke terrorizing the scholastic populace.

By nightfall Chaos and Naruto would be found by the old drunk sleeping in the third basement in the middle of a bunch of pranking supplies and toys, the two _children_ having fallen asleep due to accidentally inhaling sleeping gas.


End file.
